The Force Awakens Sucks – A Review

Alright, it just had to be said. The new Star Wars movie sucks. The Force Awakens sucks, it really does. And what is more surprising than that is the audience at large feels that it deserves a solid 9.0 on IMDB.

This number comes from a little over 23,500 reviewers. And as you might expect male viewers are slightly more represented than female viewers, in the scale of 12.4 to 1. Here are the figures.

Males 16,866 9.0
Females 1,363 9.0

And while you may or may not be surprised you shouldn’t wonder that J.J. Abrams took the best scenes from the original trilogy and duct taped them together to form what is dumbed, no wait duped, no that’s not it, ah, dubbed “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” and believe me it should have stayed in bed.

Star Wars The Force Awakens
Star Wars The Force Awakens

So why does The Force Awakens suck? I’m glad you asked. And while I will only give you a couples of highlights. I don’t want to fill the post with spoilers in the event that you would want to watch it. After all this is a review, and not a recap, beat by beat of an uninspired 2 hours and 15 minutes.

And while I much of what happens in the film could be predicted long before it happens (either the audience was a group of fortune tellers, or it was bad writing on the part of J.J. and co.) there is little to prepare you for what turns out to be a weak, watered down version of “A New Hope” with more explosions.

I mentioned that I felt this movie was almost like a clone (pun intended) of “A New Hope” and that would even have been acceptable given the prequels. But that isn’t 100% accurate.

We knew that the character Kylo Ren was to be a Darth Vader replacement. But let’s take a closer look.

Or at least as far as I am willing to go.

Kylo RenA disappointing Darth Vader wanna be with a less than Darth name.
Han SoloBows out of the Star Wars franchise, giving his life needlessly all for the sake of playing our Obi Wan
Deathstar 3.0Bigger, deadlier, and more fragile than a Faberge egg. I won’t tell you how it is destroyed. But, if you have seen the original films you would agree that the new planet killer is about as durable as wet toilette paper.
ReyThis is your Luke, and I have my suspicions that they will unveil here as his daughter. “Rey, I am … Your father.”

One of the things that grated on my nerves the most, however, is that you had a cast that felt more like adolescents than actual adults. And understand, Luke and Leia were adolescents, so this in itself isn’t out of place. But if you need an example all you need to do is look to Episode I, and you will have a good example.

This is a problem that J.J. often falls prey to. The casting decision in the “Star Trek” movies were similar, wait I mean bad.

If you have read this far then I will leave you with this.

While the movie is bad, you could even go as far as to say it sucks like the vacuum of space, the shiny look, its action aplenty, and a Deathstar 100x larger than the originals it gives you something the prequel trilogy wasn’t able to achieve.

That is the peace of mind in knowing that Star Wars is truly dead.

P.S. Let’s not even mention the oh so merchandise ready BB-8.

P.P.S. Now I understand why some people (one person?) were willing to purchase all of the tickets ($2,180) to the premier. They wanted to save us from ourselves.

P.P.P.S. The Deathstar shoots one beam which then splits into multiple beams and destroys multiple planets with a single shot. Really? Damn, those are level 8 upgrades for sure. Let’s also ignore that a planet is providing the shield generator and … oh, wait I just have to stop.

6 thoughts on “The Force Awakens Sucks – A Review

  1. Star Wars “The Farce Awakens” is:

    Absolutely negatively the largest sack of Christmas crap Santa Klaus could let spew from his sack this Christmas. Retard Jar Jar Abrams strikes again, amazing, stunning, a confounding masterless piece of shit. Get it, masterless. Ha.

    Don’t you need a master for the force to work?

    Thank god I reviewed it by watching it for free on the internet from places like zmovies or downloading torrents, and now that someone who can see that the emperor has no clothes. Let us unleash the real DARKSIDE.

    1. A movie has to be good. If you don’t think so, you are delusional. It is what we are paying for. Not, well, it inspires “Diversity”, “Its JJ Idiots first time at bat with Star Wars, its ok it sucks”, “they will get better”,”Disney sucks but we still got to see this movie because it is Star Wars”. If a movie sucks, don’t go. You were all warned even with the hype train. I pieced the whole movie together months ago. Is it genius on my part, maybe, or is it the movie is the same old tripe. In my day, if you cannot come up with good ideas or a corporation takes over, you take away their power by not funding crap.

    2. You don’t pay for talent and then get nothing. If Harrison Ford is so good or revered or rich, then why are we using him if he is not going to act or work hard like the old films. Why is Disney killing of the old cast. At least make the death of Han Solo a pinnacle point of your movie. That sucked. Why is everyone just standing around not making a great film. Are you afraid of upsetting JJ just like the excuse with George Lucas and the failed prequels.

    3. Prequels sucked but they teach us much about how to avoid being duped again. Many of us knew how the story should have went or what would have made a wow factor. One example and a better idea than anything I have ever seen in Star Wars. When Anakin was killing off the Jedi kids and the final fight with Obi Wan, they could have combined the two ideas and had Anakin trying to kill the kids and have Obi Wan save them. They could have used the lava planet and had Anakin’s rage get him burned trying to kill the padowans. Instead I got, “I have the high ground”. Holy Shit Batman, retarded. (Also stop remaking the same movie over morons, 10 batmans or so now, really. Plus rich people [BATMAN] are not heroes, but simply people who sold their souls to the devil long ago) Now I am not a writer but everyone around me is coming up with better ideas than these corporate idiots. They need to be stopped because they kill creativity, and the zombie masses are growing.

    4. It is about time that these movies moved to the adults that fell in love with them. There should have been sex scenes, development of a well thought out plot, and even a series of books if you cannot fit all the ideas in a movie. Giving to Disney, you might as well light dumbo on fire at the crappy disney fireworks display because that is the same effect the Force Awakens brought to the screen. The fans did not pay, again ha, ha, I did not suckers, to see a New Hope again. WTF

    5. Quirk of mine. Parents taught me to see the other side to truly understand a point. I find these days it just makes my ideas more concrete than ever, and pretty much spot on so here goes. So here is my positive about the Force Awakens. America’s economy and creativity are dead and this movie is proof of that. Corporations controlling you and your politics. You know it and I know. Whether it is subjugation of this Neo Nazi idealogy in Star Wars or in real life, America has fallen far from where it once was. America going bankrupt should be top on your list and not Star Wars, to name one example.

    Here is the positive.

    The movie is a perfect political allegory of America. A bunch of dumbed down storm troopers with the heroes old and getting executed with no direction of vision. So this is by far the greatest educational video of our time.

    The movie industry is dead to me, except maybe Quinton Terantino, and he is the only one that I have ever paid money to to see a movie. Disney, Marvel, Star Wars, and any other corporate facist crap. I have not enriched you SOBs for years. It is nothing personal, but all of your movies just plain suck, politics aside. When the soul dies the body is sure to follow soon, and this is the FORCE we all feel.

    Army of Darkness

  2. Compared to The Force Awakens, the prequels feel like absolute masterpieces, since they atleast introduced new ideas, some successful and some not so much. But atleast the prequels felt like Star Wars most of the time. They had “Moments”

    TFA on the other hand, feels more like “High School Drama Club does Star Wars”, with really poor acting, infantile humor and little actual knowledge of the actual franchise.

    It is a cynical, exploitative nostalgia-wank without lube

  3. The force awakens is a bad movie. I only liked the millennium falcon!!! The digital creature:bad done. The script: bad done. The music:The same music. Over and over again. The edit: Do you thing that someone missed something? Of course: A lot of plot holes demonstrates that. The starkiller base:Absurd. Sorry, but I don’t believe in academy awards at all!!!

  4. The force awakens is a bad movie. I only liked the millennium falcon!!! The digital creature:bad done. The script: bad done. The music:The same music. Over and over again. The edit: Do you thing that someone missed something? Of course: A lot of plot holes demonstrates that. The starkiller base:Absurd. Sorry, but I don’t believe in academy awards at all! By the way, the film industry is Not dead. Only bad movies like this are dead. I DIDN’T LIKE Tarantino’s last movies at all. And I think that the JJ Abrams-Star trek movies were good movies, better than this crap!!

  5. I think The force awakens is a stupid movie. Of course The force awakens is a bad movie. That’s why I don’t like cinemablend. And of course I don’t like reddit or slashfilm!!! Avatar 3D in Cinemascope is a better movie than The force awakens!!! Avatar is technically superior!!! The 3D conversion of The force awakens sucks.

  6. J J Abrams, do you think your movie is a good movie? Well you can visit crappy websites like cinemablend/reddit/or slashfilm and you will enjoy a lot. I’m the only person that thinks that some websites are not telling all the truth? Sorry, but The force awakens was a bad movie. That’s the truth.

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